A Graduation Address for Millennials

The youngest members of the most infamous generation are graduating from college this year. Older Millennials (like myself) are now in our mid- to late thirties, with careers and families of our own. We are the largest generational group since the Baby Boomers, and perhaps the most maligned.

I’m not one to jump on the generational stereotype wagon. In fact, those articles tend to drive me crazy. I admit, though, there is a certain bond that comes from growing up together in a specific time. As someone on the cusp of the generational divide, who sometimes feels more at home with my Gen X cousins, I want to offer some advice to all the Millennials who are just starting out. In a way, it is a love letter to my generation. Sure, we’ve got our issues, but I truly believe that the things others point to as flaws are actually what make us the generation most likely to change the world.

So here are the Millennial Stereotypes Greatest Hits, why I think they are bogus, and some “older sisterly advice” from one Millennial to another:

Ungrateful and Entitled

Who do you think you are, trying to find a career that makes you FEEL good? Why can’t you just collect a paycheck and get on with your life like the rest of us? You think you are SO MUCH BETTER!

Actually we don’t think we’re better. But do we want better for ourselves and our families than maybe what we had to grow up with? Of course! Isn’t that what parents want for their children? To strive for more?

Millennials value purpose, and that’s not a flaw. It’s not that we don’t value hard work, or see honor in doing whatever you need to do to support yourself and your family. Actually, many of us are already doing that. Millennials might be the most underemployed generation, seeing as we came into the workforce right when the recession hit, with mountains of student debt and not many employment options.

The stereotype of the adult child who moves back home to mooch off his or her parents is misguided and outdated. First, it assumes a standard of living that is rooted in an economy that doesn’t exist anymore. Second, the reality of a 20-something Millennial is more accurately the teacher in an inner-city school who works nights and eats ramen noodles every night just to get by. Or perhaps the single mom with a master’s degree who works as a barista at Starbucks so she can get health insurance for her kids.

But that’s not a completely accurate picture either. Because we are also a generation full of individuals who are creating new technologies, pioneering social movements, and tackling global issues. We are entrepreneurs, thought leaders, and activists. We were told that we could make a difference in the world and that our ideas and voices matter. Sure, we want to make money and create a good life for ourselves, but we also want to give back to our communities and make a larger impact in the world. Our idealism is not a condemnation of past generations; we stand on your shoulders, but we are keenly aware that we have the ability to shape our culture and society.

Millennial Life Tip: One of the pitfalls of being a Millennial is playing the comparison game. We can shoot ourselves in the foot by thinking we already should have earned a certain amount of success by the time we are 25, or even 35. We look at our friends on Instagram and the fabulous vacations they are taking and think: What did I do wrong? Why don’t I have that?

Here’s where you DO need to check that entitlement. You haven’t earned it yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. Our digital universe presents only the successes, but behind all of that is what older generations know inherently and have been trying to beat into our skulls: You are going to fail, and you will fail a lot. It doesn’t matter what generation you are born in; it still takes hard work and determination to achieve big goals. What often looks like “instant success” actually has ten or twenty years of hard work behind it. Google challenge: Go look up someone you think has “made it” and read their story. Did they really just stumble upon instant success? Aside from a few very rare exceptions, what you’ll find is a much more realistic view of what it takes to succeed. So give yourself a break, learn from your mistakes, and keep striving toward what you want.

Crybabies

Ugh, kids today with their trigger warnings! What a weak and emotionally fragile generation! Why can’t you just suck it up and get over it?!

Because, Mr. Internet Troll, what you see as “emotionally fragile” is what we call empathy.

We are a diverse generation. According to 2015 Census data, Millennials make up 27 percent of the total minority population, 38 percent of voting-age minorities, and 43 percent of primary working-age minorities. Diversity in race, religion, gender, and sexuality is not an anomaly but the norm for us. We have had more opportunity to interact with people of different backgrounds and, as a result, for the most part realize that we are more alike than we are different. That is why we are so protective of the rights and feelings of minority populations, because they are not some far-off “other”; they are our friends, family members, and neighbors—people we know and love intimately.

David Brooks, in a 2016 opinion piece for The New York Times, talks about the varying definitions of “toughness”:

A lot of what we take to be the toughness of the past was really just callousness. There was a greater tendency in years gone by to wall off emotions, to put on a thick skin— for some men to be stone-like and uncommunicative and for some women to be brittle, brassy and untouchable. … And then many people turned to alcohol to help them feel anything at all.

He suggests that instead of “fragility” we think of “resiliency,” and he makes this distinction:

The people we admire for being resilient are not hard; they are ardent. They have a fervent commitment to some cause, some ideal or some relationship. That higher yearning enables them to withstand setbacks, pain and betrayal.

Millennial Life Tip: The key here to what Brooks urges is the “commitment to some cause.” In order to be resilient, we need to find the purpose, the dream, the relationship that we are willing to fight for. It’s not about avoiding hardship or pain. (Pro Tip: that’s impossible!) It’s about what will make the hardship and pain worth it. What are you willing to persevere for? Be careful not to wall yourself off from ideas that are different from your own. There IS a university or local bubble, where we can find ourselves operating in an echo chamber. We can’t solve problems by talking around each other. I’m not saying that you should tolerate injustice or bigotry, but be willing to listen respectfully to those who would offer a different perspective.

Narcissists

What’s with all the selfies? Everything is ME ME ME!

Well, like I said above, our parents told us that our voices matter, so guess what? That’s what we believe. We take up space in this world, and we are not going to apologize for it.

Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, breaks down the narcissism “epidemic” and reveals that it’s actually being wrongly blamed for more underlying societal issues. While some would like to diagnose an entire generation with a clinical mental disorder, Brown sees narcissism (in the way it is colloquially used) as “the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” She goes on to put these fears in context with the modern influences that shape them. (Hello again, instagram!)

The solution? What Brown calls Wholeheartedness:

At its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.

The need to be seen is not so much about wanting to praise ourselves but about trying to find a place to belong, to feel welcome and appreciated. We are learning how to build relationships and stay connected in new ways, and that can be a blessing as well as a burden.

Millennial Life Tip: Remember the difference between happiness and fulfillment. Happiness is a feeling that we sometimes have, when nothing is wrong and we feel great. We often seek out things or people that we think will make us happy. The thing is, happiness is always relative and ever fleeting. Fulfillment is knowing that despite hardships or emotional swings, we can be grateful. We can find deeper meaning and create more moments of joy when we grapple with difficulty and let ourselves be vulnerable. True fulfillment comes from our connections to other people, to that true sense of belonging. So get off Instagram every now and then, and take a friend to coffee, go for a walk, and enjoy the blessings that are all around you.

We are interconnected, adaptable, creative, and resilient. The tools at our disposal, including technology, can make us either more productive and connected or more lazy and isolated. Every generation is dealt a hand. We all have been through different struggles and done the best we could under the circumstances. Hopefully we have learned enough to pass on the lessons to our children. Since I was an English major in college, I’ll leave you with this analogy:

There is a reason that we still read Les Misérables today, why it is widely regarded as one of the greatest pieces of literature (come at me!), why it has been adapted again and again to stage and screen. Though the story is set in a very specific time period and deals with many of the political and societal issues of its day, its themes are universal. None of us in the modern era really knows what it was like to be the poor and oppressed in early 19th century France. But redemption, love, courage in the face of hardship, a human striving toward a better life and a better self—those things are timeless.

Every generation is striving toward love, belonging, and a better future. The tools change, so does our understanding of the world and ourselves, but the striving is timeless. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are, as a Millennial or anything else. You have been born in a certain time, under a certain set of circumstances, but you get to choose what you will do with it. Good luck, graduates, and in the words of the great Millennial philosopher Aaliyah, “If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again.”