10 Thoughts That Are Making You Unhappy (And What To Think Instead)

The Divine Principle opens with the statement, “Every human being is struggling to attain life-long happiness and overcome misfortune.” Yet despite the centrality of that quest happiness seems to elude people. This is in great part because we are not in touch with what brings us true happiness. Additionally, we live under the impression that happiness is something that happens or doesn’t happen to us, rather than something that we create by how we live day-to-day.

So, can you be happy by deciding to be? A handy little book titled Teach Yourself Happiness by Paul Jenner promotes the idea that happiness is something to invest in by changing the way we look at life.

For most of us it is easier to relate to thoughts that make us unhappy. Jenner lists the following 10 Thoughts. Consider what the positive alternatives to these may be.

1. Theirs is better (comparing)

2. I want more…. and more; (greed)

3. If it’s not black, it must be white (all or nothing)

4. If it’s not perfect, it’s no good (perfectionism)

5. Why is this always happening to me (exaggeration)

6. I’m not going to like this (jumping to negative conclusions)

7. I feel it, so it must be true (emotionalism)

8. I’m a label, you’re a label (labeling)

9. I should do this, you should do that (obligation)

10. If it’s wrong, it must be my fault (wrongly taking responsibility)

Retrain the brain:

Change often seems too monumental to consider—even when happiness is the promised pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. However, science is teaching us that the human brain is incredibly “plastic.” That means we are not doomed to repeat the past; we can actually “rewire” our brains and mold our behaviors through positive intention and practice.

Although science is teaching us how this happens the notion that it can happen is much older.

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you but by the attitude you bring to life: not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” — John Homer Miller (1722-1791) American Author.

We are released to happiness when we learn to be grateful and forgive. These two virtues are identified as essential by Jenner and other researchers who study the quest for happiness.

Let go of the pain:

Jenner writes:

• Be grateful. Right now scribble down 10 things you can be grateful for. Look at them and think about them. Remember no matter how bad the situation seems there are always things to be grateful for.

• Forgive. Make the decision this minute that you’re going to forgive someone against whom you’ve been harboring feelings of resentment. Always let go of negative emotions. When you brew poison against someone else you only end up poisoning yourself.

The virtue of forgiveness is perhaps even more challenging and represents a huge barrier to most people’s happiness. We are somehow duped into holding onto anger and hurt. Ironically, we find strange comfort there; at least we think we do. How to let go? Forgiveness is most associated perhaps with Jesus but our cultural knowledge for the need for forgiveness goes back further and is possibly the seed of Jesus’ own understanding.

The scholar Gopin writes in his book, Hope from the Middle East: “Exodus 23:5 teaches that it is a mitzvah (good religious deed) to help your enemy when he is struggling under his burden. And rabbinic Judaism taught over many centuries that shared work is actually designed to confuse the enemy, wake him up from his safe assumptions that the other person is evil. In creating that confusion the mitzvah created the possibility of change in someone’s heart, forcing him to re-evaluate his feelings (# 7: “I feel it, so it must be true—emotionalism”) moving him to repent of his hatred and forgive.”

The next step is to thank others for the value they add to our lives. Anger and resentment make us want to separate but the antidote is to engage, to serve, to give, to extend and create a shared environment.

The Four Aspects of Happiness in Our Lives

Rev. Moon, founder of the Unification faith, is a true master of forgiveness. In his life stories we find the examples that can fuel our own lives towards letting go of anger. I love reading his autobiography, As a Peace Loving Global Citizen because it reveals the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical discipline that he practices in his life. He chose to love and chose happiness. His life brings to mind the Indian Proverb: “Everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room, every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.”

We need to laugh often because laughter reduces stress, increases disease fighting antibodies, lowers blood pressure, relaxes the body and reduces pain. Laughter just feels good! Sharing laughter as a family builds emotional closeness.

Taking care of our physical health through proper diet and exercise can seem like an uphill battle. It takes self-discipline, but we are rewarded with strength, energy and good health. Taking care of the body is an expression of gratitude for our own life.

The physical also involves taking care of our personal belongings and the environment. We may not be able to control what others do, but our own happiness begins with appreciating and taking responsibility for what is within our own control.

It’s also important to do what you love. Each one of us has a talent or gift that if developed, can be a great source happiness in our lives. We feel good when we are doing something we are good at! Operating in the zone of our strengths, and even better, having a career in that area generates a life of immense satisfaction.

It seems that Connection is a key to happiness. In connecting to others we solve loneliness and are motivated toward altruism. The happiest people are those who are doing something for others. They are not victims but epitomize the famous lines from Invictus: “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.”

We often think of serving others from a deficit point of view. It’s associated in our minds with uncomfortable effort and sacrifice. But when we give and share what we’re good at, this contributes something wonderful to the world and we feel happier.

Albert Schweizer puts it well: “I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.